Happy 1 Month Birthday, Hunter!

To my precious baby boy,

Happy one month birthday, sweet boy! Do you know how much I love you? Every day, I love you more and more. I loved you before we even met. I loved you when I got to hear your beating heart. I loved you when I got to see your precious face and tiny body when you were inside Mommy. And now, I feel like the luckiest person because I get to spend my life with you!

Baby Hunter, we have had the best month! I have loved every minute of it. I love your sweet newborn smell. I love your long toes and your big feet. I love your skinny long legs! And you love for Mommy to rub lotion on your skin and give you a massage on your legs and feet. I love the way you fold your little legs up as if you were still in the womb. I love your high pitched squeals. I love that your big sister always wants to kiss your head. And, she always wants to point to your eyes, nose and mouth, but sometimes ends up poking you. But, you don't mind, sweet boy. Your beautiful big eyes and perfectly round face makes Mommy's heart swell with pride.

My heart aches knowing that we almost didn't get the honor of meeting you and seeing you grow up. Daddy and I could never imagine living without you. We love you so very much. And, we always will.

I love you,

Mommy

Close to my heart...

I am doing well. Very tired, naturally, but sooo happy as a mommy to our two kiddos. I couldn't imagine my life any differently! That said, I'm about to write about something that few people talk about, but I've come to find out that many people experience this on one level or another. I think it's important to talk about, to help other women to know they are not alone! Some may critisize or be quick to judge - then shame on them. I have no room in my life for anyone like that!

A few weeks ago, I woke up and it was like someone flipped a switch inside my body. My anxiety was so high that I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat and I felt physically sick. After Madison was born, I got a brief case of Post Partum Depression - it wasn't actually depression, just anxiety, but it falls under the same umbrella. It was the worst feeling ever. This was caused by several factors which I won't go into, but also is caused by hormones...which there's no way around! I recognized some of the same feelings coming back and wanted to take care of it right away. Nursing and Hunter's eating issues were really stressful and coupled with lack of sleep, a breast infection and hormones beginning to balance out (which starts to kick in at week 2), this caused me to have a lot of anxiety. No, I did not expect perfection, but everything just seemed so out of control. I cried for two whole days. I immediately called my doctor, called the Pedi, and went to see the two lactation consultants who had helped me while in the hospital. I knew it was important to get a grasp on it right away before it got any worse.

Everyone was so understanding and helpful, but the lactation consultants (who were nurses also at the hospital) were absolutely amazing. They were so helpful and actually agreed that I needed to introduce the bottle to Hunter - for his growth and for my own sanity! I just cried to them because I felt so helpless and so guilty for not exclusively nursing him (which, I know, is crazy). Guess what they did? The next morning, they sent me a huge bouquet of flowers with a card saying "Danae, you are a wonderful Mommy! Hang in there and good luck!" Can you believe it? I will ALWAYS remember that. It brightened my day and meant so much to me that they did that. And, I am forever grateful to my neighborhood girlfriends who rallied around me, gave me a spa gift certificate, visited me often bringing lunch and cards. I love you. Once I decided to begin moving to the bottle and we developed a plan of action that would help to proactively take care of Hunter's feeding needs; I felt sooo much better. And today, I feel great.

Post Partum comes in many different forms. For me, it was only anxiety. I didn't feel depressed or sad, I didn't have any ill-will toward my children, I wasn't scared or fearful for their lives or mine...it was just plain anxiety. Which sounds silly, but it can come on when your hormones begin to change again. Other things can spur this on as well, but for me, it was mainly just stress. It was the most awful feeling, but with a positive support system and calling my doctor right away, it was quickly taken care of!

So many women, whom I've talked to the past two years, have struggled with some kind of PPD. It happens much more often than we think!! If this has happened to you or someone you know, just remember you are normal! If you take care of it at it's onset, you will be a much happier person.

Update 2/19

There's been so much going on that I've wanted to write about and document so that in the future I can look back on this and remember all of the sweet and perhaps not-so-sweet happenings in our life recently! Forgive my lack of prize-winning literary writing these days...I am unbelievably exhausted...which justifies any incomplete sentences or incorrect grammar...hey, at least I'm posting.

We've really had a challenging time feeding Hunter for the last several weeks. I feel so, so badly for him and as his mom, I just want to make everything all better for him! Much of our time has been spent talking to the Pedi or in his office. Regardless if he's eating breast milk or formula, Hunter is having a hard time with reflux and colic. His feeding times can be so complex and are very time consuming, that I really haven't had time for anything else besides taking care of him, Madison and things around the house. (Forgive me for not returning phone calls yet or emails...I WILL get back to you, I promise...it's just really difficult to fit in anything else these days.) Right now, Hunter is on two different medicines to treat the reflux and an extremely sensitive formula with rice cereal added. On Monday at the Pedi's office, he weighed about 10 1/2 lbs, so he IS gaining weight, which is great! But, I must monitor how much he eats, which is another positive reason for using the bottle now, where we can measure how much he eats. The doctor said that reflux peaks between 4-6 weeks old, but most kids outgrow it by a year old. Colic usually doesn't last past 3 months. Unfortunately, Hunter's reflux has gotten worse and we haven't quite found a good medicine or formula combination for him yet. He is vomiting about 3-4 times a day, causing many clothes changes and lots and lots of laundry these days! He is in obvious pain often times after he eats. Sometimes he'll eat 4 oz, other times he'll eat 2 oz at shorter intervals, which is usual for a child with reflux. Sometimes he'll eat very quickly, other times he'll take an hour and a half to eat, depending on the pain. He usually does really well sleeping at night, sleeping 6 hours, feeding, then sleeping 3 more hours!! But I don't get that amount of sleep, of course. I get up often to check on him. Also, he sometimes chokes on his reflux and has a hard time catching his breath again, so that requires you to pick him up and hit him on the back. No matter any inconvenience, what matters most is the pain that our little baby is in! It tears at our hearts when he is in pain. So, we're trying to work with his doctor to find an answer to ease his pain.

We were at the hospital at 7 am this morning, per the doctor's stat order for an upper GI xray to determine if there are any obstructions. Hunter wasn't able to eat for 5 hours prior to this procedure. So last night, I set my alarm to feed Hunter every 3 hrs to ensure a full belly before we needed to stop his feedings all together. It was pretty rough, as he would take over an hour to eat, then I'd get about an hour of sleep before doing it all over again. At the last feeding, he threw up everywhere...all over blankets, myself, my hair, clothes, etc. I just felt SO bad for him. But I was so proud of him this morning as he did SO well for the technicians!! He hardly fussed at all. I did my best to make sure he was comforted, but was still concerned that he'd be screaming because he would be starving. He was such a good little boy. I love my little man so much! They took xrays of him, then had him drink Barium, took more xrays, then had him drink water and took more xrays. So far, we were told there was no obstruction found. We'll get final results by the end of the day, hopefully.

Also, on Monday afternoon, we visited a Pediatric surgeon who needed to assess Hunter for something that is not major, but will require surgery after he is 6 months old. Long story short, the doctor did something that caused Hunter to bleed. I was not expecting this and soon enough, I was flat on the floor. Oh man, it was awful. I felt so nauseaus, couldn't feel my hands, and everything got black... I've had hundreds of shots, watch medical shows on TV and have no problem with the sight of blood...until then. I was out. A nurse had to take care of me and one had to take care of my son. How embarassing. An hour later, we were finally out of the office.

Madison is doing well and enjoys school each day. They are "studying" their alphabet letters now and are currently studying the letter G. It is so cute. She continues to be a big help with Hunter and likes to stroll her babydoll around wherever we go. She is very keen on testing her Daddy and I lately. Her teacher says she is the most curious child in the class and refers to Madison as Curious George. She gets into everything, to say the least. And we hope to put her in gymnastics soon as well. She is a busy girl!

Trying out our new Bumbleride double stroller...we love it! Phew, we finally found the right stroller that works well for us!

Mad helping to give brother his paci.

Picture of Madison before I woke her up for school...She likes to put blankets and her puppy over her head.

My big man!!! So alert and so strong!

Happy Valentines Day!

We hope you had a Happy Valentine's Day!

My First Valentines! Blinded by the flash, Mommy...

Dad's Sweetheart and I love Mommy shirts

We had a great time opening our Valentine's presents as a family on Saturday morning. Madison got some Baby Einstein puppets from Mommy and Daddy. She also got some Hello Kitty hair ties and bracelets from Elijah and Ariana! Thank you! And thank you to both sets of grandparents for sending Madison and Hunter awesome gift boxes of treats, clothes and art supplies. We love you! And, Madison got lots of great candy and gifts from our neighbor friends and her teachers. Daddy got very romantic gifts from Mommy..."The New Strong-Willed Child" book by James Dobson and "The Parent's Guide to Positive Discipline" by Pickhardt. Looking forward to some good reading!

Madison had red and pink icing all over her clothes and face after her big Valentine's party at school!

What cute pants we got from Hayden!

Thank you, Nana, for my shirt!

Pics from the last two weeks

Papa, Grammy, Hunter, Mark, Madison and Danae (2/1/09)

Thank you, Great Aunt Carol, for the beautifully knitted blanket! We love our new blue blankets we've recently received from friends and family - finally, no more pink!

My first pair of tennis shoes...cool kicks, huh?

My new Big Sister shirt...Thanks, Mrs. Kay!

Playing outside with Big Sister...baby brother all wrapped up in his sling. Snug as a bug!

I'm freeeee!!!!

Having fun playing in dirt and water...

Must help Daddy do chores...

I like to pick all the flowers off the bushes!

My big man has bright blue eyes.

Look at my muscles!

Miss Madison got her toenails painted for the very first time! Special princess sparkly pink.

Look at our big boy lounging on the couch.

Sweet boy...

Papa and Madison playing with a new piggy bank counting toy.

I love to kiss my little brother!

Proud big sis...

Two peas in a pod...

Kissing brother again...

Having fun with Papa...

Update 2/10

I can't believe a week has flown by since my last post! Well, actually, I can. Let's say, we're in survival mode these days. Life is very busy! But we're all very happy!

Hunter is doing well. We've really been working to get him on the right formula when bottle feeding to lessen some of his reflux and tummy pain. He still nurses about 50% of the time now. He is so wonderful; I call him "My big man" or "My Buddy". He truly is a sweetheart. I love his sweet newborn smell. I wish I could bottle it up, so that years from now I could open the lid and take a deep breath of it to remember this precious time. I love his soft coos, his tiny feet and his skinny legs. All so adorable. His face and thighs are beginning to fill out. He is sleeping much better at nights; around 4-5 hours in between feedings.

Madison is going great as well. She is very loving to her brother and likes to help. Her recent favorite phrases are "All done" and "Uh-oh", among others. She talks in her own toddler babble constantly. She loves to sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Twinkle Twinkle" and she can count to three! She is beginning to test her boundaries with Mommy and Daddy lately, however. A few times she has taken out her frustrations by hitting...for which she is punished. We went to playgroup for the first time in so long! She loved it. Also, she went back to school for the first time today (after we cleared it with the Pedi) and had a blast. She did so well and didn't want to come home!

I have the flu and getting a cold...which is awful on little sleep and watching two kids...thus another reason I mention "survival mode"... :) I will post more pics soon.

Two Firsts...

Today is both my 31st birthday and my first day at home with two kids, alone. Surprisingly, it went very well! Although thinking of clever ways in which to balance out two kids on a schedule while actually needing to get places on time, I was actually a little impressed with the amount of multi-tasking I was able to achieve at home...although I didn't need to actually be anywhere else today.

So, even though I would not normally choose to spend a birthday alone with two kids for the very first time...I was still delightfully happy that at least - I have TWO kids who are healthy and with me, thank God. Yes, I chose to be positive today. Even though Hunter was up ALL night long (choosing to sleep almost all through the night over the weekend when we actually had Daddy available to help out with night time duties) last night, allowing only 2.5 hrs sleep until his sister woke up. How am I going to do this all week long? I will figure it out.

You know what I thought was the best part of my day? I was finally able to take care of Madison and Hunter myself...and it felt normal and great! It was awesome. I was finally able to be a "Mom" 100% again.

Mad and Hunter did really well today. No, was not able to coordinate a joint nap today between kids, but I did catch myself being able to nurse Hunter while sitting next to Madison doing a puzzle with her and talk on the phone at the same time. Both kids got dressed, fed and napped today. I got dressed this afternoon, which is better than evening, right? :)

It was a great day. Celia showed up this morning with chocolate covered strawberries and a gift certificate from my neighborhood girlfriends to a local spa! Then, Karen showed up with Starbucks, a beautiful card and great conversation (she, too, has kids close together in age). Jenny also came over with cookies and a card. And, I got many wonderful cards, emails and calls from my close friends - from Atlanta to Charlotte to Houston and Portland. I love you and thank you!!!