Where have we been??

First, I have to say...It is mine and Mark's 5th wedding anniversary!!! We are so excited!!! And so blessed to have each other and have such a deep love for one another. We're so lucky.

Due to many reasons...family getting flu, visitors, mounds of laundry, dirty diapers and bottles...among some other things...I've been a little overwhelmed and preoccupied, so needed to take a little break from blogging. BUT...I'm back. I know I won't be able to post as often as I used to...at least not for a couple months until Hunter gets a little older and I get more sleep...but promise to post more often.

My first priority, of course, is taking care of my two beautiful children. However, they also need a well Mommy in order to do that to the best of my ability! So I've debated writing about the following because it is so personal and, yes, embarassing. (Although I'm happy to say I'm so much better now.) But my blog is very honest and very raw. So here are my feelings...

About a month or more ago, I posted about having high post partum anxiety and after talking to my doctor, I was dealing with it successfully. I thought, "hey, I can handle this, it's going to be okay." I think as you get older, and especially after you have children, you learn a lot about yourself - more than you already thought you knew. I know that although I don't like every minute of my life planned out, I do need a certain amount of control. I know that although I love spontaneity (as in a surprise birthday party or, hey let's go away this weekend for a tropical vacation), I need predictability.

A couple weeks after having the high anxiety episode and just dealing with it feeling a bit better, I woke up one morning and felt more fragile than other days. The next day was a little worse. I dropped Madison off at school and went grocery shopping with Hunter. I remember this so distinctly: I was walking through the parking lot back to my car and suddenly felt like I was going down a black tunnel. I immediately thought to myself, "Oh my God, I know exactly what is happening". I was beginning to feel really sad, for the first time. Before, I just had major anxiety. For the first time, I now felt sad and, yes, depressed. I hate that word. I'm usually so in control, love to entertain, like to have everything put together...and I felt like I was falling apart. I felt so abnormal. Not myself. And I was quickly sinking. I didn't know how I was going to get back.

After a couple hours, I decided to call my doctor's nurse. I had been sick for days, could not stop crying this day, and knew exactly where things could be headed if I didn't take care of it. It took so much energy to pick up the phone, but I knew I needed to. I called again that afternoon, desperate to talk to someone. They were wonderful. I love my doctor and my nurse. They are so personable and you are not treated as "another number" in their office. They offered me a medication, which I gladly accepted to take (I'd take anything!), but said it would take 3-4 weeks to become effective. Due to everything that happened during my pregnancy, not having any family nearby to help post-baby, having two kids close together, and a baby with demanding feeding needs, Mark's busy work schedule, plus hormone levels that were so out of whack, my doctor said he'd be surprised if I didn't feel this way.

Well, the next morning, I needed to call them again right away. I still felt the same anguish. It was utter despair. I was so helpless. I felt so "not normal" and I didn't know if I'd ever feel normal again. I remember driving down the street and seeing people out shopping or eating lunch at a cafe and thinking, "Am I ever going to feel normal like that again?" I felt like I was in quicksand. I was constantly feeling/getting sick, not eating much, not sleeping...it was terrible. It was JUST me, though. It had no affect on my babies. Every time I'd hold them, I'd kiss all over them and tell them Mommy loved them very much. And only once did I let Madison see me cry. I always tried to cry behind closed doors. I would double over in anguish. I called the doctor again, desperate. I said that I didn't have 3-4 weeks for this medicine to kick in, but I needed something now, or else I didn't know how I was going to make it to the next hour, let alone the next week. They were so kind in the office and helped me right away. Two nurses that I've become friends with and both had similar experiences when they had babies, even offered to come over and help babysit. Thankfully, I have wonderful neighbors who are always willing to help.

After beginning a new medication, Mark taking one night time feeding, a neighbor watching Hunter three afternoons a week so I can nap when Madison takes her nap...really catching up on sleep and eating right (yes, I've eaten pizza like crazy and have gained weight back), has helped tremendously.

I am feeling so much better. Not every day is 100%. I mean, hey, I have kids that are 18 months apart and are up to my eyeballs in dirty diapers, bottles and "time-outs"...but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I couldn't have begun to get better without my generous doctor, loving friends and family, and of course the Lord. When I couldn't pick up the phone and talk to anyone, I could at least call out to God. No long prayers here, folks. Just simple "Please give me strength" and "Help me get through this". That's all I had the energy for sometimes. But I knew he would help me. He always has. And always will.

So, guys, that's where I've been.

BUT, it's not been the only thing I've been doing! We've been fully enjoying our two kids. Madison is growing and talking non-stop. I have no idea what she's saying most of the time, but it's so funny. She used to just babble with syllables running into each other, but now they are more distinct words. She is, however, using our furniture and her toys as trampolines and gymnastics equipment. She sings in her microphone and plays her piano each day. She loves to paint, still. She always wants to be outside. She loves bubbles, but tries to drink them. She is still gentle (usually) to her brother and kisses him often. She can count to three. She has been feeding herself with a spoon or fork for several weeks now. It's a mess at times, but she loves doing it each day. Hunter is growing so much. His face and thighs are filling out more. His eyes are bright blue, bigger, and more alert. He has slept 7-8 hours straight every night this week so far!!! His reflux is still bad, however. It requires expensive formula with rice cereal added (so much, it looks like sludge) to help weigh it down in his tummy). He also takes two meds - one to aid with the reflux coming up, the other to empty the contents from his stomach going down. No blockage was found in his GI x-rays taken here in Beaumont, but his Pedi has referred us to a GI specialist at Texas Children's Hospital in Houston, where they want to take a closer look at his GI track and digestive system. We go for that appointment on March 23. And my little sister is coming to visit March 19, which is exciting!

I have much to do before nap time is over, so must go. But promise to post pictures soon.